New headshot for a new year of graduate school.

If you’re picking up on different vibes from me this year, it’s because I’m finally back to my old self again (actually, I’m better than my old self).

At this point, most people in my circle know what I mean when I say my “old self,” but for those unaware: I was the victim of two instances of sexual assault by separate perpetrators. In 2018, I wrote about what happened in order to process what occurred. The outpouring of support was wonderful, but my story missed one key piece—my battle with clinical post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

The physical trauma from my assaults was extensive (I required over a year of physical therapy), but the psychological trauma proved to be more debilitating. I entered my graduate program while in the infancy stages of PTSD treatment, diagnosed with dissociative flashbacks. My first-year transcript is marred with “Probation” for two quarters and, although I’m disappointed in my performance, those quarters are a victory. I started therapy with a trauma specialist, registered with the Office of Student Disabilities, consistently showed up to work, and absorbed everything I could. More importantly, I achieved stability such that I can take full advantage of my years left in this program. I believe that first-year transcript is not an accurate representation of my capacity to do research.

By the start of my second year, I felt motivated, competent and eager to fully pursue research. I was (and am) optimistic about my future. However, at the start of the year, my struggles of PTSD were recent enough in memory that I did not feel secure in that stability.

Now, I’m entering my third year.

Now, I’m confident enough to state: I am back. 

Will I have low points? Sure, but everyone does. The ebbs and flows of life are normal. There will be challenges too, but that’s part and parcel with research and the learning process in general. I’m excited to see how I grow during my next few years of graduate school.

Anyway, for those of you who never met me pre-trauma (grad school colleagues, I’m looking at you), consider this your formal introduction. Welcome, friends. It was a rocky few years, but I’m back and ready to kick some a**. I hope you’re coming with me on this journey. 

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Also, thank you to my adviser (Dr. John Wixted) and department for supporting me during that first year. Supporting graduate students when they’re operating at full-capacity is easy. Supporting graduate students when they are not is a lot harder.

-A.Y.